Me the Phoenix

You will not understand.

You will not believe it.

In my sanity you will see insanity.

You will believe my reality is unreal.

This is your problem not mine.

I know the truth.

I know what is real.

But more important than that

I know what of the truth matters.

That is mine all mine.

Interesting……….

 

Sanity the measure of how much you believe is true.

 

The following document makes several claims that I believe to be true.

I would love to have them proven otherwise.

Even if that means I’m not sane.

 

 

My Psychopath

Four Years of difficult memories

 

 

1974-1978 I was in the ATC while there I learned about making improvised explosives.

 

Somewhere before 1980 the board of Porirua Hospital decided to discharge a special patient Ian Donaldson from their care. It has been suggested this was to teach the government about health cuts.

 

My background a mother who was abusive my father an alcoholic psychiatric patient. Two brothers one intellectually handicaped while the other was a bit flaky.

 

So my childhood was not strait forward then when I started college I was confronted with a result from an IQ test. that I should be doing so much better.

 

 

1976-8 I start to notice signs of something wrong – This would later be identified as Bipolar Disorder.

1980 My first day of fulltime work after completing my study in Auckland, Return to work and meet Ian Donaldson for the first time.

1980-81 I went to an air show at Ohakea Air Base. We took Ian was evil and I felt as if I had betrayed my country.

1981? Ian asks me to pick up a stereo from a repair shop in Tawa. Later I took it to his home in Titahi Bay.

1981? Ian asks me to pick up a reconditioned motor for his car and take it to his new home in Northland.

1982 I was promoted to head Technician I was only 22.

1982 Work Closed several Department’s many staff are made redundant, I was put on to shift work to train a technician transferred in to my department from one of the closed departments.

1982 Night Shift-Smoko time

 Monday-I meet Ian Donaldson after not seeing him for about a year. Ian Donaldson Talked of Building a Car Bomb and He makes it clear he expects my help and I refuse. Half way through this conversation I start to think he was serious about building a bomb, or was He?

 Tuesday Ian Donaldson Talked of how he got Transferred from Prison to the Maximum Security Psychiatric Hospital (Lake Alice) by Threatening in a letter to the warden of the prison, that He would cut of the hands of his children and then mail the hands home to the children’s parents. His tone is very threatening and I start to feel I could fall victim to a similar fate. Very sick and very serious. He also claimed to be pretending to be Sick to get out of Prison.

 Wednesday Ian Donaldson talked of stealing a Bus in Auckland. This didn’t seem to fit? I was starting to feel panicky. This situation was Very strange. I was thinking I my be facing a situation where it may be Kill or Be Killed, I was also aware that there were more lives at risk than just Ian Donaldson and Myself, I just did not know for sure.

I know now I was right but that didn’t help me then.

 Thursday or Friday I am very tired I am not used to shift work yet. When Ian Sits opposite me and Holding up his Wrist Watch, Gold Face with Brown Leather Strap he starts to swing it back and forth

Then total Blackness not sleep not the lights turned out, Just Blackness.

Dr Dan Jones in 1994 told me Ian Donaldson was a very competent Hypnotist.

He may also have drugged my cup of tea?

 

About now I stopped sleeping almost completely why I don’t know.

 

After this I was in a real panic but I did not know why.

My mind became more and more jumbled.

 

A month or so later after I had a small car crash I went to the police but I was already so upset that the first thing the officer ask me was about my mental health. If I then started to talk about car bombs etc, where would I be?

A few days later I Meet my Doctor for first time,

He admitted me to Porirua Hospital for a Rest. I was experiencing stress and need a long Rest.

One day I would wake up in hospital and I could not remember anything not even my name over the next seven or eight years I would get back my memory bit by bit but it would always seem like a dream or a movie I once saw about someone else’s life. It’s the fear of the return of the loss of memory that frightens me every time that it appears I am getting sick again.

While In hospital I was put on new Drug (1982) Lithium I was the first in Porirua hospital to use Lithium. My Recovery was expected to take up to 3 years according to Dr Beard but took less than one month.

Most of the Hospital staff was very surprised.

 

After a month in hospital I started going to work from the hospital.

After a couple of days I meet Ian Donaldson he asks where have I been in a demanding voice. I reply I have been in Porirua Hospital which made me just like him.

 

After a Xmas party at work Ian Donaldson offered me a lift Back to the hospital my memory not being what it should I accepted the ride back to the hospital. "Looking back this was one of the most Dangerous things I have done in my life." This was the car later used for the car bombing and I wonder if my finger prints were in the car when police and Army pulled it apart. Before the party was over heard Ian talking to some one else about how he would store up his medication and then take an overdose to give himself a “HI”, another scary side to a person so twisted.

Discharged from hospital between Xmas and New Year.

1993 I returned to work within a week or so Ian ask me to come to Engineering Workshop there he showed me a home made gun “this gun later appeared on the front page of the Evening Post”.
Even then I could not decide if he was for real or just showing off. Anyway who was going to listen to me any way?
A Short time later Ian Donaldson comes up to me in the corridor at work and demands to know who my Doctor is and then he starts to push me back against the wall and starts to strangle me. I didn’t want to tell him, but I but didn’t see it being worth get hurt for so I told Him Dr Maxwell “I wish I hadn’t”, “A combination of Drug’s and Illness, I don’t think I could put up much of a fight anyway?”

Two or three weeks pass

 Friday Ian and I pass in the Hall He is coming into work, I am going home. I think to myself “What ever he is going to do it will Happen this weekend I don't know What it will be but there is Nothing I can do to Stop it.” The look on his face that day. “Thoughts of Arimoana 1989 in the South Island best match the sorts of thing I was expecting to happen in 1983”.

 

 Monday night watching a TV program it was interrupted a face appears on the screen a police photo, if I ever saw one! It was Ian Donaldson. “Police are hunting this man "Ian Donaldson" he is considered very dangerous and should not be approached." Read a voice. I think, “What has He done.” No mention is made of what he had done.

 Tuesday Police Find Ian Donaldsons’s Body in a Booby-trapped car.

The TV shows the bomb squad open up Ian Donaldson’s car up using a Robot and drag a body from the car. “I feel a strange mixture of horror and relief.”

 

 Wednesday I had an appointment at the hospital with Dr Beard

I told Him I knew Ian Donaldson, His Face filled with fear something I have never seen any sign of in this Doctor in the 5 months I knew him. He then said after some thought "Know we know what the Problem is" and he tried to tell me how Dangerous Ian Donaldson was as he had been a patient of Dr Beard (and just about ever other doctor in the Hospital over the year’s he had been committed there.) Then he told me how the system dealt with people like Ian, and how he had slipped out of their control. (Law’s have changed considerably since 1983.) Next he laid out a plan of treatment that I was going to have to follow to get over this even 18 years later maybe I am getting to the end of these instructions. Committing this story to paper and showing it to the people who I feel have a need to know I feel is very good for me even though maybe a little risky.

 

 Thursday I saw my Doctor, I told him I knew Ian Donaldson and he said, "So What I knew The Man He killed". In the years since I have never seen my Doctor so angry. A very scary coincidence or was it.

 

There are many unanswered questions in this story. The only people who can answer them are dead. But there are many people still alive who are affected by this story, many I know some I don’t.

 

In the months that followed the press had a real field day. It seems more news about Ian Donaldson was found every night for months. Ian Donaldson was on a list of the 10 most Dangerous People according to NZ Police was one TV Bulletin.

The Government Held an Inquiry into the running of the Porirua Hospital. Laws were changed giving greater and more wide-ranging powers to doctors over dangerous people like Ian Donaldson often referred to as the Act. Giving doctors the ability to commit patient. This gets so abused. The law was changed so that people did not need to be admitted as a voluntary patient for six months before they were committed for treatment any more.  

 

For me the hardest part to come to terms with in this event is that there are people who view murder in such a way that they will create a reason to commit such an act.

 

I believe that had the Police not identified Ian Donaldson so fast and he had got away he would not have killed himself but he would have gone on to kill others.

 

1989-1991 The final memories of 1982 come back and the flash backs start.

 

1994 A psychologist I know told me Ian Donaldson was a psychopath!
Every time I try to get help with these matters the bloody Psychiatrists say we are not talking about that. I think they feel guilty and often resign.

 

The ironic thing it was the actions of psychiatrists’.

 The came so close to my death and did cost the lives of two others and they got off Scott free.

 

Ray Ferguson

2012

 

Comfort

Murder a normal part of life.

I hope not.

I am almost comfortable that there is a murder in my past.

Yes, I was only a witness to this foul deed.

But I am almost comfortable with murder.

I talk of it as if it were a normal part of life.

Murder a normal part of life.

I hope not.

But I seem to think so.

Somewhere I have lost the plot to life.

Is not murder bad and evil?

I hope so.

But I must be comfortable with murder if I am to ever find peace in my life.

Murder a normal part of life.

I hope not.

If I say the past is ok, what am I saying is ok for the future.

 

My trying to stop the murder was Ok.

That is what I will be comfortable with.

 

The first sign of insanity thinking your sane…….

 

 

 

Chasing Dragons..... are they real??